last night, i came home from dinner at a friend's place in brooklyn (thanks raoul, it was delicious as always), to find a man-sized human turd on my front doormat. i stared at it for a bit, thinking, 'it can't be. must be a pile of leaves or something', so i poked it gently with my umbrella point, expecting a crisp crackle, and a light flutter. nope. no such luck...
squelch.
my stomach rotated gently in it's socket, quietly blending curry (delicious), beer and gin. ouch. resisting the selfish temptation to step over the turd and make my way up to bed where i could pretend it never happened, i gritted my teeth, grabbed the doormat by its edge (disgusting enough! who knows how many drunk idiots have pissed on it!), and dragged it over to the gutter where i flipped the turd, mostly out of harms way. i then returned the mat to its resting place (forgetting to flip it over :(), and went to bed.
the really mysterious thing was; who drops a turd on someone's doorstep in the late evening? i could almost (but not really) have understood if this had been at 4 or 5am, when everything is closed, and there is no-one around, but i got home at about 12:30am on a saturday night!! i live in a neighbourhood chock full of bars and restaurants, with any number of more desirable points of defecation than my front doorstep. not too mention the audacity of squatting down for a shit just off footpath on a moderately busy street, on the busiest night in a busy neighbourhood. it's not even like my doorway is particularly well concealed from the street.
anyway, to the mysterious stranger - thanks for adding a little colour to my life.. although, i have to admit; brown is not my favourite color.
m
2 comments:
I read this.
Gross.
Then I walked to work.
Saw a guy shitting on the footpath.
FECKIN! GROSS!
thanks for sharing jess :)) i have more stories on this subject if you want to hear them... hehe m
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